Decentre Your Friends?

the weight of codependency

There comes a time when you decide to stop experiencing birthday blues and actually plan for that day. You decide to stop waiting for friends to throw you a surprise party or invite you to dinner. You also decide to listen to everybody and their mother telling you to get yourself a gift (you deserve it!), and just take charge like the supreme leader you are. No more tears or overthinking, just pure intentionality. That was me this year… well, partially.

I have a weird relationship with my birthday (how groundbreaking), and I’d say my worst birthday experience was last year. I got sick to the point that I could barely move, my body was on fire, I took a terrible cake cosplaying as blueberry cheesecake, and other circumstances just made the entire day pretty overwhelming. I don’t think I even have a picture or anything from that day because nothing was really worth it. Besides the wishes from most of my friends, I’d say it was a solid 0/10 day.

And so this year, I decided to plan for my birthday in advance. One of those plans included a little document titled “World Peace Depends on This”... for lack of a better word, it was a questionnaire I sent to my closest friends, asking that they answer every single question concerning myself, my growth, and our friendship, and email their responses to me at exactly 12:00 AM GMT on 17th May, 2026.

“Failure to send your response would render you cut off,” was at the very end of the document, in red text.

In the coming weeks, I would find myself literally daydreaming about receiving those responses, what they’d reveal about what my friends thought about me, and how I was perceived. I was itching to know what they loved most about me (I mean, what’s there not to love). To be honest, it was what I was looking forward to the most.

And so the day came, and I got the notifications — 10 out of the 11 I was expecting. I was lying to myself when I said I’d read them later in the day. I read them as soon as they hit my mail, and I loved every single response.

I’d like to use this opportunity to thank all my friends for their ‘tear-jerking’, beautiful, and thoughtful responses and wishes. I honestly felt very loved on my birthday.

However, I caught myself not feeling 100% happy because of that last email I was supposed to receive. It was from a friend that I literally told everything to. They were practically a best friend of some sort to me, and a few days before my birthday, I really went above and beyond for them on theirs.

It was also weird to me that the days leading up to my birthday, I hadn’t heard from them, especially when nothing was actually wrong with them. They were actively online, posting content, going through the motions of life. And yet here I was in my room, believing my birthday wasn’t complete until I had received my document from them, or at the very least, something as simple as a “Happy birthday” from them.

It’s like my joy on that day was a jigsaw puzzle. It was almost complete, but just one last piece was central to making that possible. And in so many ways, their message/document or even just hearing from them would complete my puzzle. It’s concerning, I know.

Unfortunately, I realised a couple of things too late, and by the time I realised, it was almost 9 pm on my birthday, and I was still kind of unhappy because I hadn’t heard from them. Having not much to do, I reread the messages from my friends, and I was genuinely moved to tears (this stays here lmao). They got really creative with everything, to be honest. Some sent 14-page documents, others reminded me of stuff we had done together that I had almost forgotten; there were pictures, song lyrics, all the things you could imagine.

Two things came up — I was kind of dumb to let one person’s inaction invalidate everything my other friends had done, and one person shouldn’t have so much power over my feelings such that a day as special as my birthday was incomplete without them.

How silly of me to centre them. To make them the sole determinant of my joy.

The only thing I regret concerning this realisation was that it came too late. My birthday was almost over, I hadn’t done much besides sit and sulk in my room, and I wouldn’t ever get this day back.

In most of the responses I received from my friends, one thing ran through almost every single document — that I loved deeply, and it was kind of intense. It reflects in my friendships.

In my essay, “Sometimes, You’re Also the Problem”, I went on and on about how much I loved my friends. I called them my greatest love story. And don’t get me wrong, they still are, and I don’t think that would ever change.

However, I also recognised with this pitiful birthday disappointment that I had centred one or a few of them to the point where things felt weird if I hadn’t heard from them.

They were a major factor in certain decisions I made, and because of the nature of our friendship (long-distance), I didn’t mind losing a few hours of sleep or pausing a study session, because the next time we would speak was never certain. They also had a bearing on how I felt at certain times, and that was just weird.

Very weird.

Friendship is one of the best things ever invented and one of the most beautiful social institutions in existence. However, they always get dicy… and quickly too.

On one hand, you want to prioritise yourself and do things on your own terms, but on the other, you don’t want to come across as selfish or inconsiderate. You bend and fold yourself in so many ways to accommodate your friends, and even though it’s to your detriment, you don’t really mind.

What are friends for, right?

While I believe in consideration and the belief that life and relationships come with a lot of compromise, there’s a thin line between having genuine independence and individuality, and accommodating someone to the extent that you’re basically an extension of them and no longer your own person. It often takes a while to realise where you stand when this line comes into play.

Even though we often fling “I’m a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved” around, and the truth of that statement can’t be denied, this birthday has definitely taught me to maintain some level of individuality in my friendships.

You could contort yourself 354 degrees just to make your friend happy, but the 6 degrees left shouldn’t be added to that.

I think this is really important because it allows you to approach friendships with your own personality, likes, interests, and beliefs… such that friendship becomes an avenue for you to share ideas and disagree with the next person. Friendship stops being a shop where you get a cloak in the guise of ‘your actual personality’, and a box filled with things being imposed on you as ‘your emotions’.

Being robbed of the things that make you an actual person who is unique and not just a different version of your friend is pretty difficult to notice, and that’s why it crushes you each time you realise.

Which is why I get mad at myself every time I remember how I felt on my birthday. Had I decentred this person or at least maintained some level of individuality in my relationship with them, they wouldn’t have had such a large impact on how I felt about MYSELF on MY BIRTHDAY. Their absence wouldn’t be an indicator of a personal failing on my part, or make joy I’m entitled to feel incomplete.

When you feel the weight of codependency — that nagging feeling and the saxophones that get louder each time you place a friend above yourself or tuck your emotions in just to placate them or ‘keep the peace’ — do not ignore it. Evaluate your friendship with that person, understand what’s working and what isn’t and just ensure that at the end of the day, you’re being your full self, incapable of being silenced by an external factor, ie, someone’s actions or inactions.

This isn’t to say that you should cut your friends off and bask in solitude, or that you shouldn’t consider them in certain instances, or even that you should reject the things they try to introduce you to.

All I’m trying to say is, the only person at the centre of your world should be you. You should have control over your emotions, your self-concept, your beliefs, your principles and systems. Treat it as your world, and everyone is just living in it.

Also, take initiative when it comes to yourself. Is it your birthday? The online big sisters aren’t lying when they tell you to get a gift for yourself or take yourself out. Did you get a promotion or win something? Definitely celebrate yourself.

Consider it self-harm to wait for people, even if they are your best friends or partners, before you think you have permission to do something, make a choice or try something out.

The last thing I’d like to point out is that nine times out of ten, your friends actually aren’t doing anything bad. They’re probably being the nicest and sweetest to you. However, the thing about centring people is that it’s not done consciously, and it’s often something you do on your own. And so by the time you realise, your personality or other parts of yourself have been eroded and replaced with someone else’s. It’s cute sometimes, but as I said earlier, there’s a thin line you have to figure out and reconsider.

And so two things — friendships are great, but it’s important to maintain and insist on your personality; and nobody gets to determine how you feel besides yourself.

A/N: This is like a part 1 concerning my friendship with this person. The next part will be published soon. (hopefully)

Edit: Part 2 is out!!!

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Thanks for reading! If you liked this, check out my previous essay!!